[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
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I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles