Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
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Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Saw your ex at the shops
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?