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How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.