@CornOnTheGoblin: Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up
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@HairyJew4Life: The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early. Like father, like son.
@SortaBad: Me: how old is your daughter? Person: she's 31 months Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
@IamEnidColeslaw: I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
@Reverend_Scott: NEWS ANCHOR: Here's Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report. GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk] I quit. Back to you, John.