@CornOnTheGoblin: Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up
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@thenatewolf: *Shoves a guy* I think you mean the SECOND biggest "The Sound of Music" fan on earth, bro.
@DanMentos: [job interview] "Why do you want to leave your current job?" My boss is a total idiot "It says here you're self-employed?" Yes that's right
@Storminika: During labour, nurse came up to me & said, 'How about Epidural Anesthesia?' I was like, 'Thanks, but I already picked a name.
@SortaBad: Tip for teens: If you're buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring