the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
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“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
i now pronounce you bounced.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
your honor my client chooses dare
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?