“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
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an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
It do be feeling this way.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Tastes like chicken.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.