@pisscop: HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
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@daemonic3: WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria's Secret] OMG ME: It's not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale WIFE: Oh thank God
@NicestHippo: TRUMP: I just killed & ate a homeless man MEDIA: You're a monster TRUMP: This sort of political correctness is what's ruining our country
@Merman_Melville: At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
@HatfieldAnne: I can't believe I have to say this every year. Don't share lip balm, you guys. That's how the dry skin spreads.