HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
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I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I’m not stressed
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?