@Dawn_M_: HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
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@Lisabug74: If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
@internetluke: [talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill] "No" What? "You can't sit in the Kangaroos pouch" *places $50 back in my pocket*
@KeetPotato: wife: dont do anything stupid on the way out me: i wont [shakes priest's hand after lovely wedding ceremony] me: so are you god's boyfriend?