HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
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Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I am HOWLING at this
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Still my favorite headline of all time:
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.