“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
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[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Some of y’all tomorrow …
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
dutch is not a serious language
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me: