“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
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Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.