Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
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doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
how long have you had this for?
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.