Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
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I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.