HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
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Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray