HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
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I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I can’t be the only one 😂
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
My dog ate my work from home.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall