Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
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Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god