hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
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[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.