When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
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Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.