[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
live long and prosper!
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
All excellent questions
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.