Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
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Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening