@shariv67: Hello? I'd like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four........ty-seven.
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@Jeffwni: Son: DAD! There's a mobster under my bed! Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster? Son: No [from under the bed] "Whatcha gonna do 'bout it big guy?"
@JohnLyonTweets: The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
@murrman5: other job applicant: good luck me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair other job applicant: what me loudly: I actually like his haircut
@WittySassBasket: If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.