My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
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Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!