@brendohare: Hello. I'm the guy who sleepeats thousands of spiders every year and screws up the average for everyone. Sorry for scaring you.
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@shkeeber: "No, you hang up" No, you hang up. "No, you hang up" No, you hang up. "No you hang up" *slams phone* Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
@VeryLonelyLuke: I'm good at making friends. Wait, that's not right. Correction: I'm good at making friends up.
@kimwilliamz: The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
@briancthayer: Kids, eat your vegetables. *reluctantly, they eat* [2 hrs later] *I eavesdrop on their convo* Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.