The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
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I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth