@ebrawley: Hello, I'm waiter, I'll be your Walter tonight. Wait, the other way around. Sorry, first day. Care for a glass of Walter? Ooh boy ok
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@ValeeGrrl: 7yo: I'M REALLY MAD AT YOU MOMMA SO I'M GOING TO BED EARLY Me: OH NO. NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT
@McMcmadmac: My grandpa use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school. I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels!
@AsgardianRose: If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
@dubiousgenius: WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*