@ebrawley: Hello, I'm waiter, I'll be your Walter tonight. Wait, the other way around. Sorry, first day. Care for a glass of Walter? Ooh boy ok
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@envydatropic: I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I'm not approachable or one of their kind
@midnightwhale: [police station] "sir you get one phone call." [calls 911] "hello 911 what's your emergency?" yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
@LoveNLunchmeat: The good news is I'm pretty much who I say I am. The bad news is I'm pretty much who I say I am.
@KeetPotato: barber 1: ugh this guy again, youre doing him this time [20mins later] barber 2: you coulda told me he turns around to answer every question