Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
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[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
There is no “we” in pizza
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him