Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
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Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.