There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
You Might Also Like
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”