@ahuj9: Hello is this HP? I'd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
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@JB4Realz: WIFE: What the...? ME: I'm teaching him to play piano. W: You idiot! M *covering chicken's ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
@ScaryMommy: "Everything hurts and I'm always exhausted." WebMD: Parenthood
@UhhhJasonWebb: Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
@LindaInDisguise: Me: 3 miles today. Him: On the treadmill? Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
@TweetPotato314: Date: do you wanna come up for coffee? Me: no thanks. I hate stairs Date: coffee means sex Me: how many stairs?
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