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inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to