Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
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How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive