@KKAlThani: Hello is this NASA? Ya what will happen if the sun decided to come out at night? Is it still called night or morning? Hello?
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@BillMc7: Restaurant Hostess: "Sorry about the wait." Me: "It's okay, you don't need to apologize for being overweight."
@gm_cage: My 8 yr old son asked me earlier what the first two letters of 'fun' are. I laughed, we fist bumped, and then I sent him to the corner..
@jordan_stratton: I'm sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn't high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [son falls over & hurts himself] ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC WIFE: don't you mean TLC? ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?