i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
You Might Also Like
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
What a website
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.