do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
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Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek