Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
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a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.