Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
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[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
My dad is at it again
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.