Matt Goss
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I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
want me to check your oil?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Ladies, why y’all do this?
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Same pineapple, same
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia