@eyeswidebutt: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush.
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@LostFelicia: Don't ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that's gained 20 pounds. My husband knows this now.
@BuckyIsotope: ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
@theedgeofchris: Dora the Explorer has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.
@HomeProbably: I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone. I don't care, the spider's dead.