@eyeswidebutt: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush.
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@RelatabIe: whenever my mom criticizes me i yell “it’s probably genetic” and run out of the room as fast as i can
@MatCro: [office] DAVE: We're having a baby SUE: Congratulations! ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
@efasheefaa: That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.