Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
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Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.