@eyeswidebutt: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush.
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@_ElvishPresley_: ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole? HER: I asked if you were a "people" person ME: ohhh...definitely not
@dave_cactus: [HONK HONK] ...one more honk and I'm gonna... [HONK] *gets out of my car* *walks to the car behind me* *feeds the driver's goose some bread*
@eminmien: Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts "don't touch the mannequins!"
@jessokfine: Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.