[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
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Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.