If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
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I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
WTF
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Has science gone too far?
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird