@er0tikka: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.
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@MartaEffing: I'm pretty sure the chick at this drive thru had me repeat, 'I'll take a number two', multiple times so she could laugh at me.
@Brianhopecomedy: My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it's too snowy to drive. SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
@SteveSuckington: Me: "people always think I'm gay! Do I put off a gay vibe?" Guy whose back I'm massaging in a bubble bath: "maybe a little"