Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
You Might Also Like
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.