Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
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Put the is in disheveled
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
It’s the weekend y’all
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do