@morganalxander: Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
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@radtoria: if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
@WilliamAder: Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
@novicefather: her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep me: k her: *wakes up with no eyebrows