@D2BMcG: "Hello, my name's Drew and I'm an addict"
"Sir, this is a cheese counter"
@Mr_Kapowski: My daughter lost her 1st tooth today so I'm staying up all night to see The Rock in a tutu.
@LackOfShame: Boss: Just spend the company's money with the same discretion as you would your own.
Me: I understand.
*bankrupts the company
@AimeeHelene1: CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
(with Cheeto stained lips)
Me: That's my signature.
@JPHaddadio: Last year I ate out alone on Valentine's Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
@SlayerSays: You know what's really great about being a narcissist? Me.