@D2BMcG: "Hello, my name's Drew and I'm an addict"
"Sir, this is a cheese counter"
@amishschool: Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I'M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
@secondofhername: If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
@quintywinties: Hello darkness my old friend, I fell and broke the lamp again
@KentTheG: When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, "No, they're Dan's from accounting. But they're so cute!"
@SortaBad: "President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?"
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery