@D2BMcG: "Hello, my name's Drew and I'm an addict"
"Sir, this is a cheese counter"
@Lerky: Me: you're like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you're addicted to me?
Me: No, because you're ruining my life.
@mars___bars: a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
@Phook75: The upside to having kids is how you're able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans
@JermHimselfish: I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
@roxiqt: ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn't realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren't supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-