“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
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I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.