@D2BMcG: "Hello, my name's Drew and I'm an addict"
"Sir, this is a cheese counter"
@hippieswordfish: ME: so basically it's like the batsignal except it's the golden arches so you know when the mcrib is back
SANTA: please get off my lap
@dmroberts1000: Gf: why have you been googling 'can you milk a hamster'
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
@Coepacetic: At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
@daviddeweil: If The Bachelor was realistic they'd ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
@xodeadlykissxo: Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.