Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
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“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I am, perchance