Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
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[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.