@Smug_Lemur: Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
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@TheHyyyype: ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy* GUY: hey thanks [we start talking] [thirty seconds later] GUY: i'll give you a dollar to go away
@novicefather: I just steam cleaned my carpets and wondered how difficult a homicide would be to clean up.
@notfolu: I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people