Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
You Might Also Like
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
(more comics:
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.