“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
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The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Encore…
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.