Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
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First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope