@finkelsteino: Hello, police, I have a burglar trapped in my home gym. Please hurry. The longer he's in there the more powerful he'll become.
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@mommajessiec: [at doctor’s office] Nurse: You may get undressed now. Me: [rips off tear away pants] Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
@mynameisntdave: I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn't even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
@LetGoBeFreeDoU: Telling someone w/ depression things like 'Cheer up','Get over it','It's a state of mind', is like telling a blind person 'Just look harder'
@AbbieEvansXO: Detective: one of you is the murderer The actual murderer: *remains calm* Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*