@finkelsteino: Hello, police, I have a burglar trapped in my home gym. Please hurry. The longer he's in there the more powerful he'll become.
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@UncleDuke1969: Oh boy, I am desperate! My bowels do churn. Too many tacos! I never will learn. Pardon me, Sir! I believe it's my turn. - Horton Has to Poo
@JohnLyonTweets: Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
@Ivsy01: Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don't know.
@ramblinma: All these people training for marathons and I'm over here, on my couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.