Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
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Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400