HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
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everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago