@briangaar: HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
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@sofarrsogud: My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
@unravelingfire: When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don't know how math or blessings work.
@AlanFelyk: Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day. Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*