@briangaar: HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
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@Abusitron: [leaving 5 minute voicemail] ...and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
@Ygrene: [being murdered at Best Buy] Murderer: *murdering me* Me: *being murdered* Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
@vladchoc: Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again. "What good is she to anyone?" it says.
@Dear_Booze: ME: "I'll have a rum & coke." HIM: "I can't serve you." ME: "Because I'm too drunk?" HIM: "No. 'cause this is a hardware store."