HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
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My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.