“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
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[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal