Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
You Might Also Like
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.