8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
You Might Also Like
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.